A Century of Errors

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 11/25/2015 at 11:45 • Filed to: toyota century, nissan 280zx, black gold, inspector koshiro, nitrous oxide, v12, purestrain horsepower madness, toyota active threat management system

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The overhead fluorescent lights flickered to life, settling into a barely-perceptible hum that lived somewhere inside my tympanic plexus. It certainly wasn’t obeying the condo good-neighbor guidelines.

The men sitting around the car were surprised by my sudden entrance. They hit the floor as soon as I could heft the faux-overbuilt imitation-steel weight of the Harbour Freight Earthquake impact wrench above my head. I fired two warning braps into the ceiling, and not a single man moved. I made special note of their loyalty to their families as I stepped over the “do not touch” placard, onto the temporarily-stalled turntable that displayed the car.

Many years ago, the ancient performance wizards of Toyota had laid hands upon these valve covers, had breathed their obscene words of power into its oversized exhaust ports, stiffened valve springs, heinous six into one collectors and extrude-honed twin 94mm ball bearing turbochargers. It sat now frozen, in an eternal superposition between broken and the most dangerous machine to ever grace the streets of this continent-in-miniature. On this day, I was going to collapse that superposition or die trying.

I slid the safety cover aside and mashed the bright yellow button beneath it, marked ENGINE START in crude Sharpie markings, both English and Japanese. The Century awoke, stirring in a disturbingly calm fashion before settling into the gentlest, most Japanese of burbles, punctuated by screaming turbochargers, their volumetric efficiency satisfied even at cold idle.

I launched the Century from the dais in the ideal panache befitting a luxury car outfitted with a huge displacement tax. Shattered plexiglass ground beneath the 345-section meats dominating the rear quarter panels as I raced out of the conference centre and towards the service exit.

There was no time to reflect on my accomplishment. The Century’s pedestrian-warning system filled the screen with projected-threat displays, the massive surveillance network at its core feeding intercepted data communications, heart rates and my assumed intent into an expert system dedicated to keeping me alive over the next few hours. Judging from what little I could understand on the fireworks display of a screen, I was going to need it.

I launched from the loading dock into the parking lot, grinding the front bumper on the tarmac as it took its landing a little rougher than could be expected. I would have to work on my reading of the weight balance, I thought, the plush wool seats throwing my butt G-meter off. The Century and I tore ass across the parking lot, over an only-partially-occupied sidewalk, and onto a surface street, the entrance to the Bayshore route looming ahead.

In a futile attempt to avoid tipping off my future pursuers too soon, I began slowing for the toll booth as I reached into the pocket of my fire suit for coins. It was then that I saw him.

Ahead of me, a 280ZX Turbo sat, white-and-black, immense exhaust pipes sticking through both front fenders. Huge LED driving lights sat atop a once-powdercoated bullbar, smothered with layers of accumulated paint transfer. Inspector Koshiro had expected me to do this, every part of it, down to the minute. My head swam with the realization, lashing out desperately to find a way out. Any way out.

I saw Koshiro reach out of his window, a lean arm clamping the gumball light to his carbon fiber targa-topped roof. Sighing, I reached below the dash and opened the gently hissing nitrous feed valve.

Raphael Orlove > Seat Safety Switch 11/25/2015 at 14:51

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this is beautiful

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Seat Safety Switch 11/25/2015 at 16:06

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Love that car.

CB > Raphael Orlove 11/25/2015 at 16:12

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Seriously, can Jalopnik help fund a book with all of Seat Safety Switch’s stories? They’re almost all fantastic.

Seat Safety Switch > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 11/25/2015 at 16:52

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It’s pretty close to the most perfect seats I’ve ever sat in.

Eurocanard > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 10:12

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Starred because Century. Oh, and the writing’s great, too.

jimz > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 10:12

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Many years ago, the ancient performance wizards of Toyota had laid hands upon these valve covers, had breathed their obscene words of power into its oversized exhaust ports, stiffened valve springs, heinous six into one collectors and extrude-honed twin 94mm ball bearing turbochargers.

“276 horsepower.”

vondon302 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 10:14

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Now that’s writing! So glad this made it to fp.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 10:14

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But he’s expecting you to hit the nitrous Fast and Furious style. So throw him and don’t.

kyle242gt > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 10:18

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Those don’t look like 345-section meats...

vondon302 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 10:28

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Seat safety switch should do a weekly serial. Heres another good one from him. http://oppositelock.kinja.com/buy-cycles-174…

vondon302 > CB 12/01/2015 at 10:30

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I so agree!

bbutle01 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 10:50

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So am I to understand that there is an upcoming street race? I’m assuming this is fiction though.

Just wondering because Jalop seems to go back and forth on that topic. The company line is obviously don’t street race... but then it seems like someone inevitably goes back in that direction and someone has to come out and remind everyone of the official stance..

James May is my spirit animal > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:13

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HOLY FOCK do I love me some Toyota Century’s. * Import cost googling *

Like me some second gen Buick Century’s too.

Seat Safety Switch > James May is my spirit animal 12/01/2015 at 11:17

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They’re cheaper than you’d think at auction.

Datsun73 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:18

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Good read. I think I’ll drive my Century today.

Datsun73 > Raphael Orlove 12/01/2015 at 11:19

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Orlove, if you ever find yourself in San Diego, let me know. You need to drive my 1984 Toyota Century.

I used to own a Jetstar1 > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 12/01/2015 at 11:21

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True gangster.

Seat Safety Switch > Datsun73 12/01/2015 at 11:22

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You need to post about this car as much as possible, and also do a burnout for me and film it.

Datsun73 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:25

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Hmm, I’ve never tried to do a burnout in it!

If you ever find yourself in San Diego, let me know. I bring the Century to every Cars & Coffee I can attend. Unfortunately, it was down the last few months due to a fuel issue, but Ojiisan is running strong again!

detailer4u > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:26

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This is so cool. You should do a mini series like theBMW films from back in the day.

Seat Safety Switch > Datsun73 12/01/2015 at 11:27

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I’ll have to keep that in mind the next time I visit California. It sounds like an awesome ride.

Seat Safety Switch > detailer4u 12/01/2015 at 11:27

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I’m nowhere near as dreamy as Clive Owen, though.

AssFault > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:32

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Wow, Buick really used to make some beautiful vehicles.

Dinsdale Piranha > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:36

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Great story. The Century and its v12 are amazing. Toyotas best kept secret. The 1gz-fe V12 is a monster, waiting to be unleashed. I know. My daily driver is a Porsche 928 1gz v12 6spd ( vette transaxle).

deprecated account > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:37

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Congrats on getting featured man!

Seat Safety Switch > Dinsdale Piranha 12/01/2015 at 11:37

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I think maybe the most rewarding part of this article reaching the front page has been the comments from people who own insane freak shit and now feel like it is socially acceptable to talk about it.

Your Porsche sounds incredible. Details?

Seat Safety Switch > deprecated account 12/01/2015 at 11:39

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Thanks dude! Could not have done it without Oppo.

deprecated account > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:41

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AKA THE BEST DAMN COMMUNITY ON THE WEB!!! *whoops joyfully; smokes tires*

detailer4u > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:42

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LOL... niether am I. I say you pitch him the idea, get the hot car guy directors, and get to work. The jalopnik community is waiting.....

Leon711 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 11:57

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Congratulations! Keep up the good work.

Dinsdale Piranha > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 12:00

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Wow, thanks for asking.

OK, here goes. 1982 928 with a toyota 1 gz- fe, a 2002 vette 6 speed transaxle, Magasquirt engine management. sequential injection, COP ignition.VVTI, ACIS, dual TBs, 3” mandrel SS exhaust, monster brakes, am/fm radio and a Callaway golf ball for a shifter knob.

I can make one for you, if you want.

Braniff747SP > Datsun73 12/01/2015 at 12:01

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Hell, I’ll drive down to SD for that...

Seat Safety Switch > Dinsdale Piranha 12/01/2015 at 12:03

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What do you do with such a weapon, besides anything you want?

Dinsdale Piranha > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 12:27

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All I can say legally is, I live in rural Texas. Get it?

Yes, the car is fast. How fast?

Its so fast that I keep a bible and wet naps in the car for passengers.

DerW220 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 12:35

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One of my all time favorites. Dear sweet baby Jesus... the seats.

Seat Safety Switch > DerW220 12/01/2015 at 12:38

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The seats on that thing are beyond comfortable.

You can keep your leather. I’m a crushed wool man now.

TheCarHipster > jimz 12/01/2015 at 13:00

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Japanese gentlemens agreement. Your a fool if you think you cant get 500 hp Easily with a few mods

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Dinsdale Piranha 12/01/2015 at 13:01

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Is this real life?

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > vondon302 12/01/2015 at 13:02

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Yes. Pay this man, Jalopnik!

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > bbutle01 12/01/2015 at 13:03

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Read some more of his stuff, and it will become pretty clear: https://kinja.com/seat-safety-sw…

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 13:04

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I just love it that one of these finally hit the front page...

Seat Safety Switch > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/01/2015 at 13:25

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Same here. Thanks for the support so far.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 13:25

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My pleasure.

DerW220 > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 14:05

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Oh yeah.

Dinsdale Piranha > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/01/2015 at 14:09

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Yes Dave it is real. google Porsche v12 or youtube dinsdale piranha. a few stupid vids there. built it all by myself in a shed behind a church.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Dinsdale Piranha 12/01/2015 at 14:19

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Terribly impressive! I wish you were my uncle or something so I could learn from you - ha! Found that it was actually featured on OPPO a while back: http://oppositelock.kinja.com/somebody-built…

Dinsdale Piranha > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/01/2015 at 14:29

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If you wanna move to the texas coast, have basic mechanical skills and an insane desire to build one off cars, i could use an apprentice. Just call me Uncle Dinssdale.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Dinsdale Piranha 12/01/2015 at 14:38

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Hahaha - I’d love to, but I’m not sure if my wife and kids would be game... I think you should talk to this guy, though. https://kinja.com/uly He’s got more than basic skills, I’d never question his desire, and I’m pretty sure he’s in Houston.

ShaunInYVR > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 16:37

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I don’t know what this is, but I like it.

DoesntLikeYou > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 17:04

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So I’m the only one who feels like this reads like first-year composition school gibberish?

OK then.

Clive > Raphael Orlove 12/01/2015 at 17:11

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Seconded!

ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 17:15

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Please more words and pictures! The story is brilliant and gawd I want to see more of that car!

jimz > TheCarHipster 12/01/2015 at 21:51

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why do you think I put it in quotes?

Arthur Alford > Seat Safety Switch 12/01/2015 at 23:50

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You, sir, are a madman. I kinda like it.

kurtthewurt > Datsun73 12/02/2015 at 08:10

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Waitwaitwait I live in SD! What Cars & Coffee do you attend in SD? I’d love to just be in the presence of a Century.

deprecated account > Raphael Orlove 12/02/2015 at 09:51

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This one is glorious as well. Glad to see he got featured!

Datsun73 > kurtthewurt 12/02/2015 at 10:04

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Cbad Cars and Coffee. Every Saturday at 7am sharp at the Carlsbad Premium Outlets.

It's the best C&C left in CA.

deprecated account > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/02/2015 at 12:56

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I’m pretty sure he’s in Austin

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > deprecated account 12/02/2015 at 13:05

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Had to go looking...

Has he moved recently? http://oppositelock.kinja.com/el_uly-oppover…

deprecated account > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/02/2015 at 13:11

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I dunno, I thought he lived near COTA, which is in Austin, but I could be wrong.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > deprecated account 12/02/2015 at 13:29

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COTA’s about 2 hours from Houston, and I remember him saying he has a pretty long commute... Maybe his place is somewhere between the two.

Fresh-Outta-Nissans > Seat Safety Switch 12/02/2015 at 20:25

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Carbon fiber is magnetic?

/thatguy

Seat Safety Switch > Fresh-Outta-Nissans 12/02/2015 at 21:30

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Ah, I knew someone like you was coming. That’s why I said clamped .

rearwheelhorse > James May is my spirit animal 12/07/2015 at 00:05

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Last I checked you can import a pre-91 for about 5-7k. The real expensive ones are the 1970s-80s models (they go for 20k). Japan has some sort of custom of crushing old cars, so the older the year, rarer it is.

kurtthewurt > Datsun73 12/07/2015 at 22:30

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Carlsbad isn’t the closest, but I’m seriously considering showing up this Saturday! I used to go to Irvine’s C&C occasionally, until it got shut down. I know it’s kinda back, but is it as good?

Datsun73 > kurtthewurt 12/08/2015 at 13:10

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Carlsbad Cars & Coffee is always worth going. The last Saturday of the month, the Porsche Club shows up which always draws the most attendees. I go every Saturday for a reason—It’s fantastic.